26 Witty Woody Allen Quotes

 

1. “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

2. “Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.”  — WOODY ALLEN

 

3. “If you don’t fail now and again, it’s a sign you’re playing it safe.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

4. “I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” — WOODY ALLEN



 

5. “I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

6. “More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

7. “I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

8. “If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

9. “Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

10. “Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

11. “Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

12. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

13. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

14. “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

15. “I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

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16. “If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

17. “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

18. “I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

19. “To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

20. “The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.” — WOODY ALLEN

 



 

21. “Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

22. “Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; among 5 it’s fantastic.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

23. “When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

24. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

25. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

26. “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” — WOODY ALLEN

 

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